.:wanderlustmedia+dot+org:.

it’s already two weeks i’ve been sleeping under th bare concrete beam helping support th roof over my cluttered

pie-slice of
a storage room… we moved here th summer after i turned 17. i had given up meat & insisted i wasn’t going back

to san
ignacio- th jesuit prep school- for my senior year so i was preparing for a test on european history to

complete
th requirements for a GED diploma from th puerto rico departement of education…i had expressed a preference

towards
a spherical dome for my mom’s family dream house, & this was taken into consideration w/ th outcome being an

oversized
round concrete bohio- call it a modern native puertorican bungalow?
th contractor had been somewhat negligent, cutting corners here & there (my dad wanted to have this house built

for an
unrealistic $30thou, back in ‘70 or so, & it took a sometime trumpet player from cuba to say he’d bring it in

for just 5thou
above. th realistic bids were between 55-65 thou…) so- we were painting, dyeing doors & closet shelves,

helping dad put up
bookshelf units w/ writing desks in each of our pie-slice rooms for a fair part of that summer of ‘71…there

may have been
bigger unfinished jobs i forget- for example, my dad has been working on sealing th leaky cracks in a

careleessly set
concrete roof ever since then…i remember living on yogurt w/ raisins, wheat germ & honey; & pizza w/ all th

veggie
trimmings from shirley’s, our local parlor.
by september 7 i was on a flight to spain under th care of my dad’s cousin diego, who was a medical student in

santiago de
compostela. a little distance from th bad influences & i would be back on th straight & narrow path in no

time…
but that is, if not a whole other story, at least a very different part of th tale.
fever is gone by now. it subsided slowly over that first week, climbing up to th neighboorhood of

38-39C/100-102F
every night at first. being in dr.dad’s care, i remembered how i had learned to self-medicate at an early age:

if i felt under
th weather & tried to exaggerate my symptoms in order to stay home, my temperature was taken. if i was not

running a fever,
i was given a decongestant spray, maybe some children’s aspirin & written instructions as a reminder on dosage.

der guter
doktor’s protestations to th contrary, attitude & method have changed minimally in 30-40 years…
i brought all th wrong things from vega baja. there was nobody else here to make a salad, & since th vegetable

crisper & fruit
drawers in th fridge are chock full of dr.dad’s mangoes, th chicory was dead of frostbite by th time i had

energy to think of
using it. dr.dad’s food offerings consist mostly of a couple of frozen stews microwaved w/ parts from some

fresh-killed lamb
he got as a gift some months ago. i had some chicken soup of jeanette’s during th first couple of
days. maybe some yogurt. at some point i gathered my strength & mixed th last of th chicken soup w/ some

leftover chick
peas & lamb & put them to boil w/ a fresh onion i had javier fetch from titi elba’s (so when was this? when
did javier drive over?? a week ago last thursday- july 12?) plus one of th wilting carrots i’d managed to

gather…
that’s been my dinner for most of th last ten days- i’ve kept a bottomless pot of lentil soup going since then-

freezing it
overnight, thawing it out & adding whatever fresh veggie it could use a new helping of.
oh, my lymph nodes! i can stand & walk for about ten minutes at a time by now. what was a well-defined golf

ball not quite
half-buried in my thigh is now a squashed, old tennis ball- irregular edges, hardening where i imagine th lymph

nodes are,
softer & tender where there is pus or other liquid debris from what seems a still active infection: skin is

bright red, & th area
is hot w/ localized fever. th only other doctor to come by & see me was dr.dad’s closest friend, th

pathologist mica.
dr.dad is adamant that any puncturing to take a sample for analysis, any attempt at drainage, will result in an

oozing sore that
may take two to seven months to heal. so i’m supposed to be patient & wait until th node (or nodes, may be more

than one
involved) necrotizes: dies inside me & is reabsorbed. i tell you, like a survivor of th bubonic plague.
stay tuned!

…everybody’s got their own personal agenda regarding my illness & its management…i got a hold of dr.dad

late monday night
& he insisted, as part of a rant against th pharmaceutical company racketeers, that cheap old tetracycline was

all i needed to
set me right as rain. when th malaise & feverishness woke me up around six th next day, i phoned cousin tate’s

dad, tio jaime
th pharmacist, to see if he could help me w/ any of this. i ended up driving him into town by seven-thirty,

right on time to
open for business. i accepted his offer of coffee & sipped it outside in th morning light, taking deep breaths

before finally
settling into a corner chair in th waiting room to tate’s office while morning tv blasted away at th growing

number of
appointments joining me. th doctor came in from seeing hospitalized patients in th neighboring town of manati

around ten,
ten-thirty.
i got called to wait in an examination cubicle after some further waiting, & after some further waiting still,

climbed on
th paper-covered table & settled in for a short nap, cut short by tate as he burst in & proceeded to throw a

small tantrum
about not starting on th antibiotics, & about getting dr.dad involved. i had to make a choice about who i

wanted to treat me,
who i was going to listen to & make my primary care provider…
to summarize: i let myself be talked into doing a seven day cycle of augmentin after all, on th off chance

something other than
cat scratch disease might be at work…
had to come into town again thursday & saturday for further tests requiring blood samples taken on an empty

stomach.
meanwhile, fever crises grew in frequency & intensity.
saturday, july 7th, after going over th last of th test results w/dr.tate, i stopped for lunch at ‘mi casa’

restaurant. by
three-thirty, when my brother javier showed up w/ his fiancee, i was thanking th owner for some enteric coated

aspirin to
gulp down w/ coffee & dessert. i felt sick enough to move my next dose up an hour to six-thirty & motivated

to finally
locate a thermometer in th house. my temperature was up to 40C/104F.
sometime between seven-thirty & eight, javier gave me a ring: tate was w/ him, they were on their way to th

fights & a
tribute to tito trinidad in barceloneta. alarmed at th high fever, th good dottore suggested i drive myself to

my dad’s in san
juan so i might at least be under observation. i was feeling too sick, weak, & dizzy to attempt it- & was still

too proud to
admit it- i pooh-pooh’d tate’s offer to drive me & he decided to put th fear of god in me before hanging up:

‘it’s yr life- or yr
leg, who knows. anything beyond low-grade fever brings into question th cat-scratch disease diagnosis. i’ve

done what i
can.’ javier promised to call back as soon as they made it to barceloneta, & i spent two hours counting every

minute,
regretting my stupid pride th moment i hung up. around nine th fever broke- on th upside, to 104.5F/40.3C.

couldn’t raise
dr.dad, either. i made my peace then & there: ‘maybe i’ll fry here on earth so i can go straight to heaven. i’m

in yr hands.
i trust i’m somehow safe in yr hands…’
tio oscar had my dad’s fiancee’s phone number, & although th machine picked up there, too, having talked to

oscar helped
a great deal. ‘well, an abscess may have formed. you just have to have it looked at as soon as possible.’ th

one positive,
calming voice…from another sick man who had to struggle to speak up…
around ten th fever finally started to ease down. i was thankfully falling asleep around eleven-thirty when

javier finally
called.
th next day, dr.dad & his fiancee jeanette drove over to help me gather a few things- including th cat- & bring

me to der guter
doktor’s place, our dark, dust-filled suburban flying saucer of a family home…

Subject: just th fax, mam

Diagnosis of cat-scratch disease begins with a medical history and physical exam. An antibody titer test may be ordered to see if the person is producing antibodies to Bartonella henselae. A polymerase chain reaction test can be ordered to identify the genes of the bacteria. Using special techniques, the bacteria can sometimes be seen in a biopsy specimen from the affected body part.

Most healthy people recover without long-term effects. People with impaired immune systems can have permanent organ damage or can die as a result of cat-scratch fever.

In healthy people, the infection usually goes away in 2 to 4 months without treatment. In complicated cases, antibiotics, such as erythromycin or doxycycline, can be used.

Lymph nodes that are large and painful can be drained with a needle. Powerful antibiotics, such as azithromycin, can be given to people with impaired immune systems or severe infections.

Subject: meanwhile, back in februar…

Viernes 16-(0208h)- trouble? what trouble? is this late night- or early morn? I m on my way to dreamland, tempted to unfinished stroke&order inna court!

Martes what? 1456h- been puttering around, keeping busy to avoid sitting down & thinking&th swell seems to be coming up, waves blowing out in bouncing rollers of white foam as th tide sinks, ebbing & sucking out against th oncoming rough water&I saw cirrostratus or stratocumulus or whatever they were, moving in from th northwest, a clear line up high in th sunset sky signaling th approaching cold front- so I shouldn t be surprised, I guess. but this morning, up until midday, th sea was glassy clear, th waves breaking clean & slow so that I forgot what I had correctly anticipated th skies portended&

-& I almost forgot- I dreamt about you last night: I called you up & another woman s voice answered & I hung up in fear & uncertainty- after a few deep breaths I tried th number again- asked for you by name & th (other?) woman- what did she say? yes, this is her number, she s busy ? maybe you were in some sort of meeting? maybe yr health club had all members surrender their cell phones @ th reception desk?

was you ever stung by a dead bee? -I can now truthfully answer yes!

&heard some news commentary about longevity research going on- th speaker taking th critical position that th human species has until very recently not had a median lifespan of much more than thirty-something years & not only survived, but thrived swimmingly, thank you very much&& i clicked on th midlife crisis clichés & my own recurring, deeply personal sense- feeling?- that my life is somehow already over, that I can t count on any more real time, that I could truly, in fact, die @ any minute&& it brought up my long-running inner version of th nature vs. nurture argument- I tend to be freaked out by th evidence to th degree that stuff seems to be programmed into our cells, feeling that it denies important areas for option & choice- also very easy for me to focus on these areas, as I grew up w/ a sense of frustration @ very rigid family structures, in turn structuring a larger portion of my own life behaviors as reactive resistance or escape strategies, replaying th prodigal son parable (tell me if you ve heard this already) except there s never any big homecoming closure party&so, what next? well, if I can t find a room of my own w/in these structures of my family of birth- th actual houses we shuttled & keep shuttling between- th right thing may be to follow through & commit to th wandering pilgrim course&

(I want to look, I want to touch&all my strength is in relentless questioning on th one hand & offering simple comforts on th other&)

Subject: meanwhile, back in februar…

Viernes 16-(0208h)- trouble? what trouble? is this late night- or early morn? I m on my way to dreamland, tempted to unfinished strokeℴ inna court!

Martes what? 1456h- been puttering around, keeping busy to avoid sitting down & thinking&th; swell seems to be coming up, waves blowing out in bouncing rollers of white foam as th tide sinks, ebbing & sucking out against th oncoming rough water&I; saw cirrostratus or stratocumulus or whatever they were, moving in from th northwest, a clear line up high in th sunset sky signaling th approaching cold front- so I shouldn t be surprised, I guess. but this morning, up until midday, th sea was glassy clear, th waves breaking clean & slow so that I forgot what I had correctly anticipated th skies portended&

-& I almost forgot- I dreamt about you last night: I called you up & another woman s voice answered & I hung up in fear & uncertainty- after a few deep breaths I tried th number again- asked for you by name & th (other?) woman- what did she say? yes, this is her number, she s busy ? maybe you were in some sort of meeting? maybe yr health club had all members surrender their cell phones @ th reception desk?

was you ever stung by a dead bee? -I can now truthfully answer yes!

&heard; some news commentary about longevity research going on- th speaker taking th critical position that th human species has until very recently not had a median lifespan of much more than thirty-something years & not only survived, but thrived swimmingly, thank you very much&& i clicked on th midlife crisis clichés & my own recurring, deeply personal sense- feeling?- that my life is somehow already over, that I can t count on any more real time, that I could truly, in fact, die @ any minute&& it brought up my long-running inner version of th nature vs. nurture argument- I tend to be freaked out by th evidence to th degree that stuff seems to be programmed into our cells, feeling that it denies important areas for option & choice- also very easy for me to focus on these areas, as I grew up w/ a sense of frustration @ very rigid family structures, in turn structuring a larger portion of my own life behaviors as reactive resistance or escape strategies, replaying th prodigal son parable (tell me if you ve heard this already) except there s never any big homecoming closure party&so;, what next? well, if I can t find a room of my own w/in these structures of my family of birth- th actual houses we shuttled & keep shuttling between- th right thing may be to follow through & commit to th wandering pilgrim course&

(I want to look, I want to touch&all; my strength is in relentless questioning on th one hand & offering simple comforts on th other&)

Subject: shut th modem, here’s a draft- call me humpty

(…food? take a chance!
i don’t need to fight/to prove i’m right- i don’t need/to be forgiven…
keep yr eyes on th road/ yr hands upon th wheel…)

another saturday night/& i ain’t got nobody…
if life is a party- granted it’s a great deal to grant-
somebody very pointedly neglected an invite
instead, i inherited my mother’s subsidized vale of tears

make it a night of wine & quotes- solstice- st. john’s eve-
chango’s birthday, yemaya’s affair?
pobre de tus noches si las usas/para olvidarte de mi…
(pity yr nights if you use them/to forget me…)

maybe tomorrow/my heart will mend…
(all th king’s horses/& all th king’s men
couldn’t put humpty/together again…)

let me introduce you to this mess in my chest-
once upon a time old-fashioned doctors & poets
would have assuredly labeled it a heart…

hola todos:
i have become like bruce chatwin in one limiting, negative way: it has become excruciatingly difficult for me

to write as a
regular discipline while trying to live th settled life. it grates. it feels gratuitous- boring & pretentious

at one & th same time.
th emotional ground, th very impulse to write feels tainted- rotted thru w/ old, accumulated grievances- at th

pathological
posturing dance of avoidance & procrastination my brothers & i laboriously fritter our anxiously comfortable

lives away on,
for example.

it seems all th long-simmering, paralysing, accumulated anger & frustration in my life finally found physical

expression.

two weeks ago tuesday, a marble-sized growth popped up in my inner left thigh, close by th groin.
it seemed like a lymph node but th lack of any other symptoms- pain or tenderness in th area, body aches or

general
malaise-had me entertaining some options in my mind- a little hernia just now expressing itself??
friday after treatment my acupuncturist was leaning, not very convincingly or convinced herself, towards a

fatty cyst
diagnosis- but i did feel th little stringy attachments that whispered ‘lymph node’…
dr.dad rendered unquestionable verdict as lymph node on saturday. i forget if by this time th swelling had

grown to cue
marble size…also not sure if i was experiencing pain already- certainly generalized malaise, like some virus

coming on, &
growing discomfort in th area of th swelling…as is his style, dr.dad pontificated speculatively- some local

infection-certainly
i’d gotten countless scrapes on th seagrapes & pricked myself on thorns from th lime bush- all trees in th

property are
diseased to greater or lesser extent, covered in one form of fungus or another- bougainvillea & star of india

besides th
formerly mentioned. then there’s th mysterious tree just outside th entrance gate, w/ big green pods & little

thorns all over-
local lore deems it poisonous so that it can kill a weak man…
when i went for a second opinion, my cousin tate, family practitioner in vega baja, wanted me to start on broad

spectrum
antibiotics immediately. a week’s cycle was just under $71 at walgreen’s. later for that.
around two in th morning late sunday night th first crisis woke me: cold, shivery fever, intense pain shooting

both down my
leg & up into my abdomen. i cannot remember if i went dowstairs for a couple of aspirin or just held on tight,

curled into a
fetus under th sheet until th symptoms subsided in a pool of sweat around daybreak. i wd guess th latter.
i spent monday napping, recovering, waiting fruitlessly for my brother javier to drive me in for a formal

looksee by
dr.tate(that’s two syllables)centered around th obligatory blood tests. javier’s energies were taken up w/

fixing th new fridge
w/ th help of a tech buddy of his. he did relay my dad’s eureka insight message: i had cat scratch fever

disease.
(a suivre…)