July 13th 2001
Subject: meanwhile, back in februar…
Viernes 16-(0208h)- trouble? what trouble? is this late night- or early morn? I m on my way to dreamland, tempted to unfinished stroke&order inna court!
Martes what? 1456h- been puttering around, keeping busy to avoid sitting down & thinking&th swell seems to be coming up, waves blowing out in bouncing rollers of white foam as th tide sinks, ebbing & sucking out against th oncoming rough water&I saw cirrostratus or stratocumulus or whatever they were, moving in from th northwest, a clear line up high in th sunset sky signaling th approaching cold front- so I shouldn t be surprised, I guess. but this morning, up until midday, th sea was glassy clear, th waves breaking clean & slow so that I forgot what I had correctly anticipated th skies portended&
-& I almost forgot- I dreamt about you last night: I called you up & another woman s voice answered & I hung up in fear & uncertainty- after a few deep breaths I tried th number again- asked for you by name & th (other?) woman- what did she say? yes, this is her number, she s busy ? maybe you were in some sort of meeting? maybe yr health club had all members surrender their cell phones @ th reception desk?
was you ever stung by a dead bee? -I can now truthfully answer yes!
&heard some news commentary about longevity research going on- th speaker taking th critical position that th human species has until very recently not had a median lifespan of much more than thirty-something years & not only survived, but thrived swimmingly, thank you very much&& i clicked on th midlife crisis clichés & my own recurring, deeply personal sense- feeling?- that my life is somehow already over, that I can t count on any more real time, that I could truly, in fact, die @ any minute&& it brought up my long-running inner version of th nature vs. nurture argument- I tend to be freaked out by th evidence to th degree that stuff seems to be programmed into our cells, feeling that it denies important areas for option & choice- also very easy for me to focus on these areas, as I grew up w/ a sense of frustration @ very rigid family structures, in turn structuring a larger portion of my own life behaviors as reactive resistance or escape strategies, replaying th prodigal son parable (tell me if you ve heard this already) except there s never any big homecoming closure party&so, what next? well, if I can t find a room of my own w/in these structures of my family of birth- th actual houses we shuttled & keep shuttling between- th right thing may be to follow through & commit to th wandering pilgrim course&
(I want to look, I want to touch&all my strength is in relentless questioning on th one hand & offering simple comforts on th other&)