October 13th 2001
(weird problems inserting adresses…)
…well, ten days ago yesterday i bought a cute, ultralite sony vaio
laptop.
if i had brought it in to j&r; before those ten days were up, i cd have had
an
exchange, no questions asked. but that one day of procrastination- added to
a
week of ’sure, i can troubleshoot this mofo myself’ -means i have to go
uptown to some sony store for them to diagnose & repair whatever may be
wrong
w/ it. symptoms: clipping beats when playing audio cd’s, one issue. issue
#2
is a sticky mouse click, that will sometimes drag & open files when i’m
merely moving th cursor…
where did i earn this foquin bad karma in dealing w/ technology???
i half-wish i’d just gone off to spain & continued to do my writing in
cafes
until i came back in november, then shopped around @ continued leisure…
what’s going on otherwise? my life feels like it’s ground to a halt after
all
these years of ’surrendering my will’ & still clutching @ broken shards of
control. it’s a little scary, but i’m starting to get used to th idea that
i
really have no idea what i’m doing in this world, how to organise my
priorities, whether i should be travelling, where i’m going in physical or
geographical or existential terms…but i’m also coming to th place where i
know pushing myself to stay in motion in order to sustain some illusion of
direction & purpose is just exhausting & not getting any results. in th
last
few days, in th midst of feelings of melancholy futility & aimlessness a
sense of acceptance has been dawning…i can give myself permission to
hesitate, to examine, to doubt & to trust & act only when i feel
comfortable
w/ th level of risk involved. i have all th time in th world to learn to
own
my life, to learn that it is indeed my life even if everything that happens
as part of it is not either my self- constructed purpose or an obstacle to
it! -i do know however, that i don’t want to go back to puerto rico until i
have some clear indication that i can start unpacking th boxes that have
been
sitting in caparra for th last seven years, gutting th storefront in vega
baja myself if i have to & getting it ready to hang my growing photography
collection. just call me charles foster kane-
‘rosebud…!’
-except i may be staying in this hotel room idefinitely, or finally flying
to
amsterdam & staying in europe indefinitely…i’m turning it over…
abrazos, davidj=(8{>