zensolo’s e-mailed chronicles posted by morituri.

kfeen13/hebdomadaire sechs

without comments

what is this ‘i don’t love you anymore’ crap?
i’ve never understood it, i don’t get it, i don’t buy it…
i can recognise how my attitudes may be related to problems w/ closure &
letting go-
whether informing each other as cause or effect i’m not ready to judge,
yet- but in
my experience, feelings & emotions grow into a life of their own, seemingly
autonomously of their ostensible source & causes…
maybe i’m a worse romantic than i can easily admit to, & a perverse sort of
philosophical nominalist @ that: my take is that whatever emotion we may have cherished that seems to suddenly- or grindingly- come to th end of its’ ’shelf-life’ was not ‘love’ in th first place, then, & one was self-deluded by th understandably intense human desire to loosen th boundaries of our individual self into a ‘meaningful’ connection to a recognising other: experiencing th very desire for love itself as a state, condition, sensation & mode of (self-?)awareness that carries & sustains an aura of transcendent authenticity… th little bit of buddhism i’ve absorbed has helpd me distinguish that ‘releasing’ is not synonymous to pushing away, nor ‘detaching’ to turning away: too easy for me -coming as i do from severely insecure, codependent childhood- to engage in mere reaction & denial under cover of acting to control th discomfort generated by situations where intimacy- experienced so often as exposure- leaves me feeling grossly, fatally vulnerable…
th crucial lesson of buddhism for my recovery is in learning to stop seeking to escape- running off or shrinking away- from th shortness of breath and racing heart of anger, fear, disappointment, betrayal & abandonment, somehow seeing myself thru th emotional state as it arises, peaks & subsides- as it eventually does…i cannot bask in th release of detachment without engaging th difficulties of full acceptance…

Written by morituri

August 31st, 1998 at 7:30 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

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